Tuesday, May 19, 2009


So apparently, these things have been around for about a decade:

While I cannot claim to keep up with the kiddie vitamin market, it surprises me to find that there are gummi vitamins out there. Gummi bears, worms, dinosaurs? Check. Gummi rats, skeletons, body parts? OK. I can accept that. But gummi vitamins? I must object.

But wait, you may be saying: 'Aren't you a proponent of gummis so much so that you cannot go home without your step-mother throwing a bag of bears at you at some point?' Well, yes, and God bless her. And, you might add, 'You support all those other varieties of gummi, so why not vitamins?' Well, I'll tell you.

First, all those other things are just shapes-- molds. Adding vitamins to gummi is an altering of the substance. It is making vitamin what was once gummi. Gummi is not a medium that can take on all additions and remain gummi. Can you add cookies to tacos and still have tacos? No. Stop making gummis taste all strange with your B12s and Niacins, Flinstone vitamin products. The authenticity of gumminess must be preserved.

Second, kids who need to get vitamins through a vitamin product do not need to be eating candy. Sure, I love candy and eat a lot of it; however, know what else I eat a lot of? Food. Turns out there are tens, if not hundreds of different kinds of food out there in the world, a lot of which are not all processed corn by-products and oils. Many of these foods contain vitamins-- plenty, in fact, to support human life. Look into it, parents.

These are products being developed in Dole's new Froots 'N' Vegg-ease vitamin line, expected to drop in Spring 2010.

Finally, parents need to sac up here: stop babying your kids. If for some reason they need to take their vitamins, make them take the vitamins. It should be a relatively unpleasant experience. When young Skippy has an iron deficiency because he won't eat his broccoli, and you won't force him to eat that, he doesn't get a handful of gummis, too! WTF, stupid parents? A big part of life is that there are a lot of unpleasant things that one must go through on a daily basis. Get some object lessons in while the kids are impressionable.

And stop messing with my candy, vitamin people.

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